When the wall of EGO separates two individuals, it is always difficult to see the other person positively.
In one of my recent adventures with relational-conflict, I tried to look at a matter which was in need of more experience than that I have. It was a 15 years relational conflict b/w two individuals, which ultimately turned out to be between two families. The two individuals were not talking to each other from the past 15 years. Interestingly there were no fights b/w them, not even a verbal fight. The two individuals are my dad and my dad’s elder sister.
15 years back there were few difference of opinions b/w them in few issues, they turned into, kind of perception where one was not respecting the other. That added with the social stigma and converted into literal boycott the other from the functions, parties and common gatherings. Both of them never seriously tried to sit and discuss the differences, so the small differences grown to an extent they don’t even look at other person. I have been observing this from long since, I had good relation with my aunt, and I was never told not to go to their home. This motivated me to clear of their perception and put the reality in front of them. During this period two marriages happened in my aunt home and one in my home, even though they extended invitation during the good times in their respective home, both sided did not responded in a positive manner which would have bridged the gap.
During a recent major festival in our village, my mom invited all my three aunts. But elder aunt did not come saying my dad did not invited her. As my dad gave permission to my mom to invite her, I saw the possibility for their reunion for the first time, and decided to put my best effort for the occasion. I know my age and experience will not suffice, but wanted to experience a different situation directly. Many times I heard my dad saying few issues about his sister, but to conclude, none of them were negative. I never heard my aunt’s version of the spat.
As always, I committed to give my best and prepared myself to face the possible consequences of the incident. I took my TVS XL and travelled 5.5 Km to reach my aunt’s home. As usual she invited me cordially. We sat couple of seconds silently, before I break the silence.(We all know It is always tough to start the first word during a challenging time.) First time in my 25 years I am hearing a voice which was directly pin-pointing each and every activity of my dad. It was one of the tough moments for me to hear those words. Here I used few common things I usually advocate
· When we are settling an issue we should be objective and not subjective. (I should think i am hearing two individuals rather than hearing Dad and Aunt)
· Story of a black and white ball (Other Side of the issue may be different)
· Story of a hill which is at a distant location (Generalization will not work in all conclusions)
· Finally ‘False vision of reality is the cause of suffering’ one of the great saying by Buddha, which I believe and practice in almost in all decisions.
As I already heard one version of the issues from my dad, I had a different perception about aunt, so came to a neutral position and concluded that, it is just the wall of Ego which is separating both of them and nothing else. I took time and explained her the 3 points carefully without hurting the so called ego. I saw no acceptance from her. But I saw some bright situation around. I observed my brother-in-law and uncle supportive to my view and they were trying to accept my invitation.
But she was expecting the same from my dad. Even he will not listen to me to invite her personally. I saw my watch and realized it was around 3 Hrs 30 min ago, I walked in to the house. Completely lost hope of taking her to home immediately, but clearly saw possibility. My last words were, “Aunt I respect you opinion and leave the final decision to you, after hearing my words about the same, whatever decision you take, I fully respect it”; Her reply was, rejecting the invitation. I felt a difference experience, truly.
That is the story of failed diplomacy.
I came back to home in the night, and my parents were asking where did I go. I told I went to aunts home, but did not reveal the discussion. But story continues…
Next day morning my diplomacy doing the rounds in my relatives, these rounds put pressure on my parents and my aunt. After couple of days I returned to Mangalore, Then the same social pressure forced my mom to try once. This time my aunt came to home. Even though my diplomacy has shown an immediate negative result, but the positive result is that, it created a social pressure which re-united them. Hence the ultimate objective was fulfilled. :)
It is good to feel the experience of failure which teaches us how to succeed next time.
In one of my recent adventures with relational-conflict, I tried to look at a matter which was in need of more experience than that I have. It was a 15 years relational conflict b/w two individuals, which ultimately turned out to be between two families. The two individuals were not talking to each other from the past 15 years. Interestingly there were no fights b/w them, not even a verbal fight. The two individuals are my dad and my dad’s elder sister.
15 years back there were few difference of opinions b/w them in few issues, they turned into, kind of perception where one was not respecting the other. That added with the social stigma and converted into literal boycott the other from the functions, parties and common gatherings. Both of them never seriously tried to sit and discuss the differences, so the small differences grown to an extent they don’t even look at other person. I have been observing this from long since, I had good relation with my aunt, and I was never told not to go to their home. This motivated me to clear of their perception and put the reality in front of them. During this period two marriages happened in my aunt home and one in my home, even though they extended invitation during the good times in their respective home, both sided did not responded in a positive manner which would have bridged the gap.
During a recent major festival in our village, my mom invited all my three aunts. But elder aunt did not come saying my dad did not invited her. As my dad gave permission to my mom to invite her, I saw the possibility for their reunion for the first time, and decided to put my best effort for the occasion. I know my age and experience will not suffice, but wanted to experience a different situation directly. Many times I heard my dad saying few issues about his sister, but to conclude, none of them were negative. I never heard my aunt’s version of the spat.
As always, I committed to give my best and prepared myself to face the possible consequences of the incident. I took my TVS XL and travelled 5.5 Km to reach my aunt’s home. As usual she invited me cordially. We sat couple of seconds silently, before I break the silence.(We all know It is always tough to start the first word during a challenging time.) First time in my 25 years I am hearing a voice which was directly pin-pointing each and every activity of my dad. It was one of the tough moments for me to hear those words. Here I used few common things I usually advocate
· When we are settling an issue we should be objective and not subjective. (I should think i am hearing two individuals rather than hearing Dad and Aunt)
· Story of a black and white ball (Other Side of the issue may be different)
· Story of a hill which is at a distant location (Generalization will not work in all conclusions)
· Finally ‘False vision of reality is the cause of suffering’ one of the great saying by Buddha, which I believe and practice in almost in all decisions.
As I already heard one version of the issues from my dad, I had a different perception about aunt, so came to a neutral position and concluded that, it is just the wall of Ego which is separating both of them and nothing else. I took time and explained her the 3 points carefully without hurting the so called ego. I saw no acceptance from her. But I saw some bright situation around. I observed my brother-in-law and uncle supportive to my view and they were trying to accept my invitation.
But she was expecting the same from my dad. Even he will not listen to me to invite her personally. I saw my watch and realized it was around 3 Hrs 30 min ago, I walked in to the house. Completely lost hope of taking her to home immediately, but clearly saw possibility. My last words were, “Aunt I respect you opinion and leave the final decision to you, after hearing my words about the same, whatever decision you take, I fully respect it”; Her reply was, rejecting the invitation. I felt a difference experience, truly.
That is the story of failed diplomacy.
I came back to home in the night, and my parents were asking where did I go. I told I went to aunts home, but did not reveal the discussion. But story continues…
Next day morning my diplomacy doing the rounds in my relatives, these rounds put pressure on my parents and my aunt. After couple of days I returned to Mangalore, Then the same social pressure forced my mom to try once. This time my aunt came to home. Even though my diplomacy has shown an immediate negative result, but the positive result is that, it created a social pressure which re-united them. Hence the ultimate objective was fulfilled. :)
It is good to feel the experience of failure which teaches us how to succeed next time.
Nice effort did by you.
ReplyDeletegreat effort yogesh....
ReplyDelete'Kalisundam ra' cinima lo venkatesh la... inka... 'santhosham' movie lo Nagarjuna la kanipistunnav yogesh... you did heroic things :) :) great.
Thank you Sagar...
ReplyDeleteSimran/Sriya/Gracy Singh ni na pakkana chudakumdaa only Venki chusthe ..Ok Sagar :P